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Hillary Clinton Clearly Tailoring Debate Answers To Unclaimed New York Superdelegate

The Onion - Thu, 04/14/2016 - 7:52pm

NEW YORK—Repeatedly emphasizing how her proposed policies would benefit middle-aged fathers of three who work in the public sector, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton appeared to be tailoring each of her answers during Thursday night’s primary debate to a single unclaimed New York superdelegate, sources reported. “As your next president, I promise to make America work for all of us—not just the billionaires, but also middle-class families working to pay off a 30-year mortgage on a postwar duplex in Queens,” said Clinton, adding that, now more than ever, the federal government needed to reduce the burden of student debt on those who had just taken their firstborn daughter on a tour of several colleges upstate. “In addition to reinvesting in our country’s infrastructure—including that section of the Lexington Avenue line that gets so congested on the way to work every morning—I vow to strengthen ...

Categories: Comic Relief

Octopus Escapes New Zealand Aquarium

The Onion - Thu, 04/14/2016 - 2:51pm

Inky the Octopus is believed to have escaped the national aquarium of New Zealand by opening the lid of his tank, slithering across the floor, then squeezing through a 5-inch-wide drainage pipe and out to sea. What do you think?

Categories: Comic Relief

Passersby Stop To Stare At Man Leading Sad Life Through Open Apartment Window

The Onion - Thu, 04/14/2016 - 12:21pm

CINCINNATI—Saying they could not stop staring despite the highly private nature of the scene that was unfolding, numerous passersby reportedly paused dead in their tracks Wednesday night upon catching sight of a man leading an incredibly sad life who was clearly visible through his unobstructed apartment window.

Witnesses said they started gathering on the sidewalk outside his apartment building at approximately 6:30 p.m. after noticing that the lethargic, disheveled man, who appeared to be in his mid-30s and was clad only in a ripped T-shirt and unwashed shorts, had left his curtains open and his lights on, putting his pathetic existence inside his dingy one-room studio in plain view for all to see.

“Boy, you can see absolutely everything,” said 38-year-old Andrea Arnold, who was walking to meet a friend for dinner when she glimpsed the man playing video games alone in his barely furnished, bare-walled apartment ...

Categories: Comic Relief

World’s Marine Life On Edge Now That SeaWorld Moving On From Orcas

The Onion - Thu, 04/14/2016 - 12:14pm

PACIFIC OCEAN—Following the theme park’s pledge to phase out exhibits featuring the whale species and discontinue breeding them in captivity altogether, the world’s marine life told sources Thursday they were completely on edge now that SeaWorld is moving on from orcas. “At first, I was happy to hear the news about the orcas, but then it dawned on me that SeaWorld would probably try to find a replacement and I just started to freak out,” said an anxious and visibly trembling black marlin, who explained how a feeling of tense unease had spread among the manatees, sharks, octopuses, and other larger species of the ocean ecosystem that any one of them might be rounded up at any moment, transported to a small, featureless tank, and forced to perform a choreographed series of tricks up to a dozen times a day for crowds of onlookers. “The other whales ...

Categories: Comic Relief

How To Talk To Your Teen About Depression

The Onion - Thu, 04/14/2016 - 12:02pm
Nearly one in five teens experiences depression, but parents can find it difficult to broach the subject. Here are The Onion’s tips for talking to your teen about depression:
  • Begin your conversation with something as simple as an observation, such as “I’ve noticed you have everything a person needs to be happy.”
  • Your teen will appreciate your honesty and transparency. Let them know you really can’t handle another stress like this on top of everything else.
  • Whatever you do, don’t start the conversation by totally freaking out over the bag of Lexapro you found in their sock drawer.
  • Seek common ground. Your teen might be surprised to learn that even lame old Dad finds life inherently meaningless!
  • Try not to scare them away from opening up by reacting with overblown emotional responses, like telling them you love them.
  • Let them know that you can relate to ...

Categories: Comic Relief

Zip Code Could Point To Life Expectancy

The Onion - Thu, 04/14/2016 - 9:48am

A recent study investigated income and mortality rates and found a nearly 15-year difference in life expectancy between the wealthiest and poorest Americans, with the longevity of those in poverty strongly correlated to what zip code they lived in. What do you think?

Categories: Comic Relief

Hotel Lobby Treated To Entirety Of Child’s Song Catalogue During Check-In Process

The Onion - Thu, 04/14/2016 - 9:42am

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—According to guests lined up at the front desk and seated at the nearby hotel bar, the entire Marriott Courtyard lobby was treated to every song in 4-year-old Emma Freeland’s catalogue Wednesday while her parents checked into their room. “I thought she might just sing us ‘The Itsy-Bitsy Spider,’ but no—she segued right into ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star,’ and then launched into an energetic choreographed rendition of ‘I’m A Little Teapot,’” said business traveler Sean Erskine, explaining how the complimentary show then continued with an extended four-minute rendition of “The Wheels On The Bus” as Freeland’s parents negotiated for an oceanfront room with a pull-out bed. “I figured the half-sung, half-hummed version of ‘He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands’ was the grand finale, but after a brief intermission to hide between her mother’s legs, she came back with an ...

Categories: Comic Relief

Lakers Players Curious What It Must Be Like To Be Inspired By Kobe Bryant

The Onion - Wed, 04/13/2016 - 8:52pm

LOS ANGELES—Amid a massive outpouring of acclaim from fans, fellow athletes, and media members ahead of his retirement, players on the Los Angeles Lakers admitted to reporters Thursday that they are kind of curious what it must be like to be inspired by Kobe Bryant. “I keep hearing all these players on other teams and athletes from other sports talk about how much they were motivated by Kobe’s work ethic and competitive drive, so I can’t help but wonder what that would feel like,” said Lakers power forward Brandon Bass, adding that he has trouble even imagining Bryant as someone who he looks up to and tries to replicate. “I mean, Kobe is clearly helping people push themselves to be better and strive to achieve great things—it’s just kind of hard to wrap my head around that one.” Many Lakers players noted, however, that they ...

Categories: Comic Relief

Man Ready To Believe Any Statistic About How Good Warriors Were This Season

The Onion - Wed, 04/13/2016 - 8:44pm

HAMPTON, VA—Explaining that the team’s regular-season dominance made him unlikely to question any accomplishment attributed to them, local 29-year-old Jared Dwyer told reporters Thursday that he is ready to believe absolutely any statistic about how good the Golden State Warriors were this year. “At this point, you could tell me that the Warriors shot over 70 percent from three as a team, or that they outscored opponents in the second half by an average of 40 points, and I’d just take it at face value,” said Dwyer, who added that he would not question any unprecedented or otherwise seemingly impossible offensive statistics about the Warriors that he sees on an ESPN graphic or reads on a random Twitter account. “I honestly wouldn’t bat an eye at a stat that said Steph Curry hasn’t missed a three from inside 25 feet since November, or that Draymond ...

Categories: Comic Relief

‘Textalyzer’ To Measure Distracted Driving

The Onion - Wed, 04/13/2016 - 3:36pm

New York police could soon be equipped with “Textalyzers,” devices that scan drivers’ phones to detect whether they were texting, and thus driving with distraction, in the moments leading up to an auto accident. What do you think?

Categories: Comic Relief

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

The Onion - Wed, 04/13/2016 - 2:44pm

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported. “He brought his family through in the middle of the afternoon, and, right in front of everyone, he said, ‘This is the desk where I work,’” communications manager Laura Dao said of the cavalier 15-hour-a-week employee who started two months ago and is sent home early most days due to a lack of tasks to complete. “And then, once he’d walked his parents around the entire floor, he went up to [senior director] Mary [Fullman] and introduced his parents to her directly. I think he even called her ‘a good boss.’” Sources later confirmed seeing the teenager who earns a $350 monthly stipend taking ...

Categories: Comic Relief

ExxonMobil CEO Relieved It Finally Too Late To Do Anything About Climate Change

The Onion - Wed, 04/13/2016 - 9:55am

IRVING, TX—Saying the multinational oil and gas conglomerate had “really dodged a bullet,” ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson told reporters Wednesday how relieved he was now that it was finally too late to do anything about climate change.

The 64-year-old petroleum executive, who acknowledged that throughout his career he had feared the public might take action to curb rising temperatures by imposing emissions restrictions or mandating a switch to alternative energy, said he was just happy that the window for avoiding the planet’s environmental destruction had closed, and that the entire industry was now free to carry on as usual.

“I was really worried for a while there that some kind of law would be passed to stop us from releasing all those hydrocarbons into the atmosphere, but I guess not,” said Tillerson, describing how he felt as if a tremendous weight had been lifted from his shoulders now ...

Categories: Comic Relief

Wed, 12/31/1969 - 7:00pm

Wed, 12/31/1969 - 7:00pm

Wed, 12/31/1969 - 7:00pm

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